Iowa is located in the Midwest area of the country. Grinnell, a city even more secluded and rarely mentioned, lacks the kind of diversity and inconsistent weather that I was used to. At Grinnell, there is a small population of Black and students of color. I include all nationalities and ethnicities that Black and people of color are because if I began to separate them into subdivisions, the number would decrease significantly. Anyway, my point is you can count us! The black student population is small, and the black students who are studying Economics are even smaller!
Many may know, but for those who don’t know, Economics is a gruesome major.
We graph, conceptualize and still have to find space to use Mathematics to prove that consumption and other factors play essential roles in GDP. I am grateful for the understanding that such a predominantly white institution taught me, but at what costs?
My environment needed to change because I was always overbooked and had no time for myself/self-care. School is a place of learning. As a student, you are placed in stressful situations most of the time. When you are unable to do the things you once enjoyed because you are so overwhelmed, that is a problem. I couldn’t find the balance. I couldn’t find balance because, as a transfer student, I was trying to graduate and learn as much as possible at the pace as everyone else. And usually, I can handle stress. But, my environment needed to be changed when I realized it was controlling me and not the other way.
Controlling the narrative is what parents expect children to do.
There are many aspects of an individual. Increasing one’s mental capacity is only one aspect. But how do you explore other aspects of life when you are so drained? I was drained, and the environment that I was hoping to continue my love for learning was hindering that process. Essentially, what I am saying is that the environment I found myself distracted me from what I like, which is learning about the economy. If my purpose is to learn about the complex structures of a country and I can’t do that peacefully, why would I stay? Therefore, my environment needed to CHANGE.
The weather played a role as well. I mean, I never knew the sunlight and cloudiness can brighten or dampen my mood. It snowed all the way up to April. Now granted, I expected it to be cold because it is Iowa, but hunnnnyyyyyyyy, from October to April was that really necessary? I was tired of wearing big jackets, boots, stockings, and so much more. It got to the point where I layered so many items, but I was still freezing. Yes, I know you can’t control the weather, but you can decide how much coldness or hotness you can endure, and Iowa’s coldness was not for me.
Winter classes
Faculty and staff lived nearby, so walking on ice or driving a short distance with their vehicles on hard ice was not so difficult to do.Well, maybe it was. But they never cancelled school, so you tell me. I lived on campus, and it became unbearable to walk every day on the ice. Many times, I almost fell
. It was exciting in the beginning since it doesn’t snow that much in Houston, but at some point, I was over it.
Lastly, my feelings and shift in moods when going and leaving school.
This factor is probably what made the transition obvious. A couple of weeks after I left Texas for Iowa, the deadly Hurricane Harvey took a toil on Houstonians. It was tragic. Even though cars, clothes, and school was canceled for some days, various communities found some way to stick together. I called my mom often to check on her. You know to have some ties to home but it wasn’t the same. I applaud my effort for realizing that I had to leave my known environment to prepare me for a brighter tomorrow, but why did an immense amount of sorrow overtake me when it was time to head back after mid-term, spring or Christmas break. I am pretty self-reliant and an independent creature, after all, I am an only child, but this was different. I would come home to enjoy my favorite activities. Excitement would literally flush my face, and I was also relieved to leave the COLD. But, the moment I was driving from the Des Moines airport to school, I was reminded that I didn’t want to be there. I would cry at the back of the bus, and by the time I returned to my single room, I was exhausted and had no problem falling asleep.
Your mindset plays a role in how you view life.
However, your mindset is not the only thing to consider. I changed my mindset multiple times. I spoke various words to myself like “Yeye, you are one of the few Texans who actually enjoys a field dominated by men.” I said, “you have a room that is designed to your likening, and you have enough space to write and rehearse your thoughts before it is due at 11:59 p.m”. “The faculty enjoys your commentary on various topics, and despite the challenges on finding and sharing random thoughts about life with other human beings, you cordially interacted with these individuals on many occasions.” So, what is the problem? The problem wasn’t me. The problem was the place I found myself every day for two semesters was not the place I needed to be. I SETTLED.
There were many instances that clarification was given, but it wasn’t until May 2018 that I actually realized that I needed to leave for good. After I finished the spring semester, I returned back to Houston for summer vacation. I was used to a routine at Grinnell, which was to do whatever you have to do. Instead of doing my favorite things, I mopped around and confided myself to the four walls of my home. I was such a mess that it took me a while to return back to work.
I was used to one environment for an extended period of time that when it came time to explore and venture out to serve a useful purpose, I didn’t know-how.
Both men and women of several ethnicities and nationalities were willing to remind me, but I couldn’t take the first step to get up and ask how because I was stationed.One day, I had enough. Once I changed my environment to disregard the constant reminder that I was not living in the moment, I was able to enjoy life again. Grinnell definitely had its perks, and if you enjoyed reading this blog post, you should subscribe to my Youtube channel (modishye), where I will discuss the pros and cons of transferring my junior year. But, not enough pros could have made me stayed.
*IT IS IMPORTANT TO KNOW*
You should not get the perceived idea that I strongly disliked Grinnell College. Instead, the message you should get and retain in your memory is some places are meant to be enjoyed for a short time only. Junior year was not all rosy and smooth, but some of the valuable life lessons I learned were at Grinnell. I couldn’t have learned these lessons from a school down the street. Sometimes going to a school in the middle of nowhere can surprise you!
P.S. The song associated with this post is I’m Doing Me by Fantasia
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